AN EMOTIONALLY SHATTERING TIME

TUESDAY, November 1

Yesterday was one of the hardest days yet -- a day when the full realization came that A. is gone and I'll never see him again (except in my dreams and memories). We went to the viewing and that was a little easier than I'd thought because really, it wasn't him there -- it was a thin shell of a stranger, not the vibrant, smiling A. that we all knew. But on an off all day and later during the night I felt devastated.

Friends came over for the evening -- a pot-luck Hallowe'en party and video night (that great movie "Ed Wood", so appropriate for the night.) Fun and having good friends with me helped distract me from my grief. Then, something absolutely shattering happened.

It was 2.30 a.m. I was just checking my email before going to bed. Suddenly a loud BANG! which sounded to me like a gunshot, and my whole bedroom window shattered into hundreds of pieces of sharp glass shards scattering everywhere. I jumped up immediately and dialed
911 for the police, then went to look outside. I'd heard a woman's voice shouting and footsteps running at the time the window broke, but no cars. When the police came, they asked if I'd noticed anything. Til then I'd been convinced it was a gunshot. But when we looked there was a brick, right behind my computer chair, and the whole bedroom was full of shattered glass.
How that brick didn't hit me on the head, I don't know. And if I'd been in my bed I would have been covered with glass shards. Somebody was watching over me, that's for sure!

We believe it was people from across the street. And today I found where the brick came from, broken off the ornamental walkway in front of my building. Whether or not it was a case of mistaken identity of my apartment I don't know. I only know I was darn lucky to have escaped injury.

So all through the night I kept waking, and every time I woke I was in tears. I cried the whole night through, couldn't sleep properly, not only because I was thinking of A. but because of the scary incident of the shattered window.

Today we attended the funeral. I was scared I wouldn't be able to emotionally stand it. But I surprised myself. No tears. (Maybe I cried them all out last night?) The funeral was tasteful and comforting. Then we all went to his apartment for a little wake with lots of food and music. So this day went well for everyone, just the way he would have wanted it.
And tonight Patrick and I are going to the theatre to see a play directed by a friend. A good way to relax and end these emotionally shattering times.