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Monday, September 26, 2005

BEING KIND TO MYSELF

MONDAY, Sept. 26

I stayed in all day today and actually got some writing done. It felt good to be emerged in the novel again, that other distant world with the characters who are now like old friends.
I didn't even notice the weather outside was mild and sunny. I needed to stay here, in my protective bubble. Actually I was nursing another stomach ache that started after breakfast. All I'd eaten was yoghurt and an apple so I'm not sure which was the culprit. I'd say the apple.

I worked away with the intention of later going to the hospital. But the stomach ache wouldn't go away so I phoned there about 2.30 and explained I wasn't feeling well and would come perhaps tomorrow, definitely Wednesday. His voice sounded weak and barely audible, but I think he said he was having a better day. I felt bad though, as he was alone, and I know he likes company. After that I kept getting periods of great sadness.

Just before the writer's group was to come here this evening, I got a call from my friend who has been out of touch since I was so angry with her last week. It was good to talk, but I don't really feel things were that resolved as it ended up with the onus being placed on me. Anyway I'm letting it go. No use ruining a long friendship over pettiness and I think I made my point.
Everything was okay at the meeting tonight, friendly though somewhat distant. No hugs, no well-wishes, not one single word of comfort regarding A. Others were more sympathetic.

Still I have such a great empty feeling, a hole in my heart, and I just feel like I want to cry and cry but if the damn bursts it's never going to stop flooding so I'm holding it in.

Tomorrow might be a better day, lunch with the grad class ladies and maybe a hospital visit in the afternoon. And other things planned during the week to fill in the spaces and keep my mind occupied. Then there's the writing. I just have to tidy up these last pages and that's the end of Part IV (yay!) and a whole new section coming up, part of which is pre-written. So it's kind of exciting and I just hope I can keep focused on it.

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