CONVERSATIONS WITH MYSELF

MONDAY, Feb 27/06

Last week my Memoir group's assignment was to imagine two or more sides of yourself as distinct characters each with reasons to be angry with or love and need the other part. The results were both interesting and amusing. I decided to try one myself and this is the conversation I had with me and my alter-ego all day yesterday.

ACT ONE: TIME: 9 a.m. PLACE: In the bedroom

WYNN: Okay, I know it's Sunday but you've slept in long enough. There's lots to do today
and it's time to get up.

RUTHAKI: Mmmmm...I don't feel too good...

WYNN: Honestly, why do you do such stupid things! You know if you drink any more than
three of whatever you're going to feel rotten in the morning.

RUTHAKI: I know, I should have come home early. But it was Carlito's birthday...

WYNN: You're so stupid!

RUTHAKI: Don't call me stupid. Maybe I'm foolish sometimes, but not stupid.

WYNN: You are! Now get up!

RUTHAKI: Aaagh...Maybe you're right. I shouldn't have had that fourth spritzer...

WYNN: After being at the Cottage Bistro half the afternoon you ought to know better...

RUTHAKI: Oh well, it was a special evening.

WYNN: Yes, and tonight's a special evening too. Remember? You've invited people for
a Moroccan dinner party so you better get with it.

RUTHAKI: Okay. I'm up now. I'll feel better once I've had some breakfast. And please, don't
call me stupid any more!

WYNN: Okay. Well smarten up then. You're not twenty-five or even forty any more!


ACT TWO: TIME: Noon. PLACE: On the Drive

RUTHAKI: I wish I had more energy. This cold weather saps your strength. I get tired just
trying to stay warm.

WYNN: It's not that cold today. But I agree. And you've been tired all weekend. But you
just had to go and overdo it again, didn't you?

RUTHAKI: I do pretty well for someone my age.

WYNN: Yea, yea. I know. Always the party girl!

RUTHAKI: I have to admit, I'm not really in the mood to prepare this dinner party. I don't
even know who's coming, except the guys both confirmed with me.

WYNN: Well...you should have phoned Astarte during the week. And you waited til the
last minute to invite Vicklyn.

RUTHAKI: You're right. I should have phoned Astarte when she didn't reply to my email.

WYNN: Anyway, lets finish the shopping and get home. You can always have a nap once
you get things prepared.

RUTHAKI: Maybe it was a bad idea to have this dinner party. Buying all the extra groceries...

WYNN: And that's another thing. What happened to that budget you so carefully worked out
last week? You already spent way over the last two nights.

RUTHAKI: I know. I'll never learn will I? But I thought I had it all figured out.

WYNN: Sure, another stupid oversight. Now how in hell are you going to buy those U.S.
traveler's cheques for your trip?

RUTHAKI: I know, I know! I totally forgot to calculate for the utilities and phone bill!

WYNN: When will you ever learn?

RUTHAKI: When will I ever have enough money to cover all bases? I'm sick of being
broke all the time. I stayed home all last week because I was penniless.

WYNN: Well there's no use getting all stressed out over it. You always squeak by in the end.
And there are those cheques still to come in. But still, you need to use your brain...

RUTHAKI: I'm not stupid. Just mathmatetically challenged...

WYNN: Saving money never was your forte.

RUTHAKI: I'm not going to worry about it. Everything will come together one way or
another. And by the way...I've figured out why I felt sick this morning...I didn't
eat supper yesterday. Remember that? I had that big lunch that Anne's daughter
made for us. Then at the Cottage I couldn't eat, so I just had some tofu with the
beer...

WYNN: Stop making excuses for your excesses. How many jugs did you gals go through?

RUTHAKI: You know it's always an extravaganza when I'm out with Cheryl and Judy.

WYNN: Right. Then of course Iva and Jeff came too so it was a special event. And hearing
Steve play all those all those tunes he's written for the new CD was cause for
celebration.

RUTHAKI: I did have a nap before going to the Latin Quarter with Iva and Jeff.

WYNN: And you had the good intentions of coming home early.

RUTHAKI: But I decided to stay and wait til Carlito arrived so I could wish him
"Feliz compleanos".

WYNN: It was fun dancing and talking to your friends. But really... was the fourth
spritzer necessary?

RUTHAKI: Okay, okay! I agree. Live and learn, eh?

ACT THREE: TIME: 11 p.m. PLACE: My apartment

WYNN: Honestly, I don't know how you do it. That was a magnificent dinner!

RUTHAKI: Trouble was, I didn't have the appetite to enjoy it. It was exhausting preparing
everything, and disappointing neither of the women could come. I really
should have phoned Astarte earlier to confirm. And Vicklyn was sick.

WYNN: Oh well...Just think of it...You and your two guy friends...That gorgeous Babylonian
and your long-time good friend George. What more could a single gal ask for?
There you were, the elder of your friends, entertaining two fascinating men.
You're amazing Ruthaki!

RUTHAKI: One has a reputation to keep up!

WYNN: And you didn't overdo it tonight either! Good for you! Now let's get to bed early
because you must get some writing done tomorrow.

RUTHAKI: Yea..and all those other Monday chores too....But hey! at least I didn't have to
clean up after dinner. George always loves doing the dishes. I'm grateful for that.

WYNN: You're lucky to have such nice men friends. And really, I should quit calling you
stupid. 'Cause really, you're not.

RUTHAKI: I know that. I just get carried away when I'm having so much fun.

WYNN: That's you. Always the party girl! You rock, Ruthaki!

THE THURSDAY THIRTEEN

THURSDAY, Feb 23.
I haven't figured out how to do the Thursday Thirteen meme as yet with the proper links etc, but decided to try it anyhow, just for fun.

THIRTEEN THINGS I HAVE TO DO BEFORE I LEAVE FOR MALAYSIA

1. Get my spending money together.
2. Buy a new bathing suit. (I've got one picked out)
3. Buy a new day-pack and pull-along luggage. (also picked out)
4. Buy some beach thongs (yes, those are picked out too)
5. Buy some hiking sandals or light canvas runners (maybe)
6. Figure out where to get the extra money to buy all that stuff!
7. Sort out the clothes I'm going to take. (I've mentally chosen most of them)
8. Get serious about the diet (or I'll look like a blimp in the bathing suit!)
9. Buy suntan lotion; diahorrea med; over-the-counter sleeping pills (the flight takes 20 hrs 40
minutes from L.A.)
10. Organize whose going to come in and water my plants. (I already have a bird-sitter).
11. Arrange a ride to the airport.
12. Get my income tax stuff figured out and sent off so I'll be rich when I get back.
13. Get lots more writing done before I leave.

MORE MEMES: COME PLAY WITH ME

WEDNESDAY, FEB. 22/06 10.15 A.M.
Okay, Sam has a new meme in her blog http://samanthawinston.blogspot.com and sent out the challenge to other bloggers to play along with her. So here's my contribution.

Current Clothing: Black wool pullover, jeans, striped cotton cap (my 'thinking cap' which I have to wear or the bird nests in my hair and bugs me when I'm trying to concentrate at the computer!)
Current Hair: It's a mess! Needs coloring and cutting but I'm trying to hold off until just before I leave for my trip to Malaysia. Consequently I'm wearing my caps a lot these days.
Current Mood: Woke up feeling fine and rested, ready to face a day of writing.
Current Refreshment: Just finished a cup of Greek coffee.
Current Annoyance: My bird Cheeky (a cockatiel) who thinks he's a writer too and has to hang out on my shoulder whenever I'm at the computer.
Current Avoidance: Sorting out all the material I have to yet write up about past travels. (As travel writing is my bread-and-butter, I have been terribly lax in this area. And now I'm off to Malaysia on an assignment/holiday I need to catch up and send some new stories out.)
Current Smell: The Greek coffee, I suppose.
Current Thing You Ought to be Doing: working on my novel!
Current Things on your Wall: My room is a gallery of Greece with pictures of the Muses, a turquoise plaque of Sappho, postcards of the Acropolis, a print of Achille's Triumph, a poster board with current outline for novel and other writing related stuff tacked on, a plaster head of Alexander the Great with a wreath of artificial flowers above it.
Current IM Person you're talking to: What's IM? The only 'person' I'm talking to is the bird. He thinks he's a person.
Current jewellry: A silver dolphin ring; a silver ring in Greek key pattern. Oops, I forgot to put on my earrings!
Current Book: Fellow blogger Scott Oden's novel "Men of Bronze". He's an awesome writer and an expert on Egyptian history. (see Scott's blog and website: http://scottoden.blogspot.com

Okay, so do you want to play along with me? Go ahead, it's an easy challenge and kind of fun.

LOST AND FOUND

SATURDAY, Feb 18

Earlier this week I was at the swimming pool doing waterfit. I noticed then that my rings were loose and worried about that. Later that day I realized my favorite little dolphin ring was missing off my finger. It's a clasp-around ring, silver, with two dolphins facing each other. It compliments another ring, silver with the Greek key-design, that my friend Ingrid bought me last summer when we were on the island of Kefalonia. My dolphin ring is also from Greece.
I thought perhaps I'd dropped it around the apartment, scoured everywhere but couldn't find it. Yesterday I asked at the fitness centre if anyone had turned it in, but they hadn't. My left hand ring finger has felt naked all week and I worried that losing the dolphins (a good luck symbol) was a bad omen.

Then today I was rooting around in my backpack, cleaning it out, looking for loose coins, and spied a little glint of silver. My ring! Ah...my hand and I are so happy to have it back! Funny, isn't it, how you can be so sentimentally attached to something that hasn't much monetary value but a great deal of sentimentality. I have this thing for dolphins and Greece and it meant a lot to me though it's probably not worth more than $10.

Part of my mind has been in Greece this past week, partly due to my writing and also because I knew this weekend Patrick would be flying there for a quick visit with our mutual friend Dinaz. So I was so pleased this morning when they phoned me, first Dinaz's sweet cheerful voice, then Patrick's. They had been walking around the Pnyx and Agora yesterday. I told them I have been there too, this week, writing part of my novel that takes place there. In fact, last summer Patrick and I had gone up around that whole area so I could make setting detail notes. So they said they'd go back again Sunday, and take me with them. Oh, how I wish I could be there. But I have Malaysia coming up and that's pretty exciting too.

So the ring is back and I think it brings the luck with it. Hopefully this will be a fruitful week of writing (and mentally cruising around ancient Athens). Dolphins are a strong symbol of luck and happiness.

A VALENTINE MEMOIR

APHRODITE’S ARROW
A quick-silver spark
like a diamond’s prism
strikes me.
Aphrodite’s silver arrow
turns this cafe bar
into the galaxy.
Reality escapes me.
Fleeting,
swift,
it hits its mark,
sets aflame
the dark night
of my heart.

Written in the Latin Quarter one romantic night.

Given the fact that this Gemini is such a romantic one would think that St. Valentine's Day would hold a special meaning and be celebrated with romantic relish. Not so for me, not for a long time anyway (though somewhere in my heart I hold out some vague glimmer of hope that for once it might prove different.) Instead, for me, a single woman, it's become a more 'dreaded' celebration than New Years, at night which I've learned to cope with, even spending a few N.Yrs. Eves home alone enjoying my solitude.

Looking back to my childhood, Valentine's Day was a time to make pretty cards for friends. I still remember one time when I was home sick in bed, and I spent hours of convalesence cutting, colouring and pasting hearts to take to my school mates. But I always, even then, had some dread that I wouldn't receive any cards myself (though I must have). When I was a daycare supervisor, we always made sure the children had name lists so that no child would be left out when the cards were handed around. I think the last Valentine's Days that I remember as happy events, were the Daycare years.

A long time ago, when I was married, my husband always remembered the day with flowers and gifts. Since that time, though, my memories of Valentine's Day have not held any particular outstanding remembrances. Except for one, sixteen years ago.

I had recently had a surprising reunion with a man who had been my teen-age love. It had seemed exciting and romantic at first, but within weeks the truth about him and his long years of addiction came out. Although he kept professing to be "Born Again" and vowing he'd never again "use", this soon proved to be a line designed to entice me. I saw very quickly that he was obsessive, dependant and dangerous. We had planned a party the weekend before Valentine's Day and by that time it was too late to cancel it. But I knew that somehow I was going to have to show him the gate, quickly, before things got seriously out of hand.

Valentine's Day followed and we had plans to go out for dinner. I didn't want to go and when there was a sudden severe snowstorm that day I felt relieved. He lived out in the suburbs. There was no way he'd be able to drive into town. No buses were running. The snow was a foot deep. I had to walk all the home from work which took me some time. But when I got there, who was parked in front of my apartment but him! Heaven knows how he drove all that way in the storm. He was an incompetent and dangerous driver at the best of time. I was actually furious at him. There was no food in the fridge -- at least not appropriate food for a Valentine's Day dinner, as we'd planned to go out. Now we were stuck there in my apartment while I fumed and tried to figure out the best way to break the news to him that I didn't want to see him again.

Meanwhile, he produced a number of extravagent gifts for me. A huge Valentine's card (at least a foot in height with a soppy verse in it); a gold filigree cross (which he later admitted buying me to impress my Baptist minister father who had never approved of him), some chocolates, probably some roses and a large sum of money. I thought to give him back the money but the previous weekend at the party he had ruined my new answering machine by spilling wine over it so I figured the money was the least he could do to replace it.

I can't remember how I got through the rest of that Valentine's Day. It was horrible. Needless to say, by the end of that week he was out of my life (along with all his belongings which he had been bit-by-bit moving into my apartment.)

Now when I think of Valentine's Day that seems to be my most vivid memory. Not a nice one,

however there haven't been any memorable Valentine's Days since then, perhaps once, a couple of years ago, when Anibal, the object of my affections, fantasies and obsession and I were exchanging e-mails and poetic notes. I recall he made a special point to dance a bolero with me. That was romantic. Since then though, there hasn't been anything 'romantic' happen. No roses, no cards, no dinner invitations. And now even Anibal, my love, has gone. So this Valentine's Day seems particularly nostalgic.

The whole concept of the day has, like Christmas, and Hallowe'en, turning into a commercialized celebration and seems to have lost it's meaning.

Centuries ago, St. Valentine, imprisoned , sent his friends notes to tell them that he loved him.

That's what it's all about. Telling your friends and partners, that you love them. But shouldn't we be doing that more often, not just on St. Valentine's Day?

In spite of the lack of romance this days brings me, I'll always remember to send my friends loving notes, sometimes romantic, sometimes funny Valentines. I've receive some myself, mostly email messages but nevertheless loving thoughts. (My son just called and said he was dropping by tomorrow with my Valentine card -- he's been driving the chocolate truck and he's been busy for this holiday -- but he always remembers the tradition.).

Because I don't have a romatnic interest to bring me chocolates (I'm on a diet anyway), or flowers...I bought myself a little pot of tiny red roses. I set them on the shelf by Anibal's picture. Tonight I'll light a candle for him, and have a glass of the New Zealand wine I won at the art exhibit reception the other day. And I'll remember all those loved ones who have departed and those who have graced my life over the years.

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Sugar is sweet,

And so are you!

A tradition verse written in Valentine's Day cards

AS THE MOON TURNS FULL, SOME GOOD THINGS HAPPEN

SATURDAY, Feb 11/06

"I don't want beautiful dreams. I want beautiful realities."
George Bernard Shaw "Fanny's First Play"

I was going to stay home last night. Then my friend V. called and suggested we meet at the L.Q. I didn't expect much to be happening (as it hasn't, these past weekends). However, a big surprise when I arrived.

I was shown a seat at the bar and guess who was sitting there next to me? The lovely Frenchman, J.P., just returned from his holiday in France. I was flabbergasted! Didn't expect to see him at all let alone sit beside him all night and then (*sigh*) have him walk me all the way home! I thought this morning, though, how slow on the up-take I am. I should have invited him in for some hot chocolate and Napoleon brandy. He enjoys talking and we were having such a good conversation all night long, except the music was so loud at the bistro it was difficult to hear everything he was telling me.

On the way home we passed A's old apartment and I was explaining to him about A and me, and how he died, my feelings and everything that has happened since. He was a very symathetic listener. He is a wonderful, kind person and one I consider to be like a 'guardian angel' because every time we've met he has done kind things for me, and is such a gentle man.

So when I got home, what did I do? Had a hot chocolate and brandy night-cap and ate a couple of those special chocolates Patrick had sent me from Germany. I expected to have nightmares from the chocolate (it happens!) but instead I slept fairly well. Woke up thinking of J.P. and wondering when we'll meet again. If it's destined, it will happen, but I'd sure like to get to know him even better and spend more private time with him.

There is definitely an upswing in events this past week. I've been getting extra offers of writing-related work, my classes are going super well, the SUN has actually been shining ALL WEEK! YAY! and then all these other great things, unexpected happenings. And yesterday,(to start the day off right!) I received my tickets and hotel vouchers for Malaysia. What more could I ask for to top off the week?

Today is also a promising day. J.C. said he might show up at the LQ tonight - maybe --but he's going out to another music bar with his son and I'm going to a media reception put on by tourism New Zealand. First, an art show, then a reception and dinner at a posh hotel downtown. Wow! I wonder if I'm lucky enough to schmooze a free trip to N.Z. It's a destination I've always wanted to visit.

You never know about dreams. Some of them actually do turn into realities!

THE LUNAR NEW YEAR Gung Hai Fat Choy!

SUNDAY, Jan 29, 2006
It's the Chinese Lunar New Year, and it's the Year of the Dog (woof woof - - that's me!)
Gung Hai Fat Choy. Good Fortune to you!

I took advantage of a break in the steady downpour to go down to Chinatown this morning to watch the Chinese New Year parade. We have an enormous Chinese population here in my city, dating back to the turn of the century when Chinese workers came here to find their fortune working on the railway, and increasing the population during the hand-over of Hong Kong when a great many people immigrated here. And I'm certain most of them were present at the parade. A huge, pressing crowd and not much crowd control. Everyone was right on the road so there was barely enough room for the parade to pass and it was difficult to see much when you're a short person like me. I did find a step to stand up on and managed to see the tops of the performers. Lots of lion dancers and dragons, colourful banners and costumes. Drums booming, cymbals and gongs clashing, firecrackers exploding, confetti falling down in a rain of colour. It was fun. For the first time I noticed the bunches of lettuce that hung in shop doorways, good luck if the lion comes and snatches it. A lot of people were wearing red, the good luck colour. That last two nights when I went out I wore my embroidered scarlet Chinese jacket to celebrate 'my' year!

While watching the parade I recalled some events of the past. When I was supervisor of a Pre School in East Van, there was a little Chinese boy named Winston who absolutely loved the lion dance and would make his entry into the preschool with great dramatic pounces and snarls. On Chinese New Year we made a papier mache lion's head and decorated it with crepe paper and a colourful cloth body. Winston got to be the lion's head and performed for us with his little friends participating as the 'body'. It was always great fun.

And for the year I worked as an English teacher at an all Chinese daycare in Chinatown, this was a very important holiday celebration with the traditional foods being served and the lion dance performed in the gym area.

It's been a couple of years since I went down for the parade, and I'm glad I went. The rain held off until the end, started up just when I got home again. The bus was crowded with people coming home from the parade, carrying their little Chinese doo-dads and red paper envelops and banners. A very festive mood prevailed.

And good fortune has already begun to happen for me this week. It's a great start for the Lunar New Year. Yippidy yap yap!

***I guess I should also remember all the dog's I've owned: From when I was a small child, a black and white Border Collie, Flossie; Then a spanial named Dutchess who unfortunately got run over by a truck shortly after we moved to the Coast; she was replaced by another Spanial, Judy, who got sent away to doggie prison for biting the postman. After that, there were various bigger dogs: Taffy, a golden Lab; Chinook, a Samoyed-Lab cross who loved pulling and competing in dog-sled races; Tiny a Terrier-Poodle; and my beloved collection of prize-winning Yorkies: Candy, Fiona, Brandy and dear wee Megan who died tragically when she suddenly jumped out of my son's arms; Tippy, the hippy dog, a Border Collie; and last but never forgotten my adorable little Terri-Poo Sappho (Saffy) who was adopted by my Aunt Grace when I went to live in Greece and lived the rest of her life in doggie luxury.

I adore dogs, but now I live in an apartment and travel so often I can't keep one. But there's always my friend's cute little mini Pom, Niki, who I love to doggie-sit.

PLAYING TAG

FRIDAY, Jan. 27/06
I've been "tagged" by Sam for the number 7 game. So here goes:

7 Things to do before I die:
Climb at least part of Mt. Olympus (in Greece)
Visit the Cook Islands
Visit Buenos Aires Argentina
Lose 40 pounds (haha!)
Catch up with all the reading I'm behind in.
Find a man who won't break my heart (one way or another).
Earn a whole pile of money (another haha)

7 Things I can't do
Climb Mt. Everest (or probably even visit Nepal now)
Travel anywhere I want to at the drop of a hat!
Do math without counting on my fingers.
Run a marathon
Be a triathalon athelete
Visit ancient Babylon (in Iraq)
Visit the sites of ancient Persia (in Iran)

7 things that attract me to men * if you're a man and I tagged you change that to 'women'
Nice butts and abs
sexy eyes
a lovely smile
a sensuous voice
hands that are warm and give a nice gentle touch
the mouth, the kiss, the words they speak...
A bright, intellectual, interesting mind

7 things I say most often
Rats!
Shit!
Oh well!
You've gotta be kidding!
Broke again!
What is there to eat?

7 books or series I love
Fire From Heaven (Mary Renault)
The Persian Boy (Mary Renault)
The King Must Die (Mary Renault)
The Bull From the Sea (Mary Renault)
The Mask of Apollo (Mary Renault)
Gates of Fire (Steven Pressfield) (and all his others too!)
Captain Corelli's Mandolin (Louis de Bernieres)
***There's lots more, including "The Synonym Finder" and "Webster's Ninth New College Dictionary)

7 movies or series I can watch multiple times
Shirley Valentine
The Odyssey
Alexander the Great (Oliver Stone's version)
Othello (or anything Shakespeare)
The Sheltering Sky
NYPD Blue (tv series)
Sex and the City (tv series)

7 people I want to join in the game. (Tagged! You're it!)
Debra
Di
Gabriel
Scott
Keith
Michael
Martha

THE LUCKY PENNY

TUESDAY, January 10/06

Perhaps it was that shiney new lucky penny that I picked up on my way to the pool this morning. Whatever, the day has turned out to be full of magic so far. In spite of the on-going rain (almost a record rainfall since 1953) the sun broke through briefly but again, gray skies and gloom, however the events of the day so far have brought some respite. First I bumped into my Havana Buddy unexpectedly on the Drive. I was going up to have a latte at the Calabria but decided instead to go home and on the way picked up some milk so I could make my own coffee. Just stepped out of the store and a thought crossed my mind as to when I would next bump into that lovely Frenchman. No sooner had the thought formulated than I looked up and there he was coming up the street! Talk about magic!

We had our usual hugs and pleasant chat. He's leaving for France next week to visit his mother for 3 weeks. Then I got home to find my yearly bus pass had arrived. (Yay! Now I am not confined to waking or staying home as I had just run out of tickets and had no money to purchase more). Also in the mail was an application from the school board to apply for a summer school instructor's job (I'm applying to teach creative writing). If I could land that it would solve the usual problem of unemployment for the summer months. Wouldn't that be dandy?)

Then I noticed a phone message and it was my dear friend George calling from California so I returned the call and we talked for a long time. That was another very pleasant surprise.

In all, I feel like I'm on a lucky roll. So perhaps I'll apply some of that good will and good fortune to my writing and see if I have any luck with the next chapter segement of the novel.

TRIP PREPS AND OTHER STUFF TO START OFF THE NEW YEAR

THURSDAY, Jan. 5, 2006

Here we are in 2006, another New Year. After my lovely weekend with cousins, I came back to town and decided to start off the week getting back on track, trying to stay positive in spite of serious financial difficulties, and to do so started making positive plans for my trip in March as well as other things. I have investigated the immunizations we will need and will make an appt. with the travel immunization clinic doctor to check re the Hep A/B and malaria meds.
I went to my own doctor yesterday and had an updated DPT shot. While there we talked about A. because he had been a patient at that clinic and well t hought of. I told her how how it has been for me getting over the trauma of watching him die, and the grief. It was good to talk and I'm glad I did though I'd at first not really wanted to see this young doctor. She hasn't instilled a lot of confidence in me in the past. But yesterday she lent a sympathetic ear which was helpful.

The hotel is arranged for our extended stay at the Lagoon Resort on Langkawi. I'll soon write another travel blog with updates on my travel blog site:
http://travelthroughhistory.blogspot.com

Last night I was invited out by my Havana Buddy to go see my son's band play. That made for a pleasant evening. He's a great guy, my Buddy, and has been supportive and helpful to me.

Tomorrow I'm going to get the passport renewed. That was weighing heavily on my mind but thanks to a loan from HB I am able to get it done.

Today I went to waterfit even though I'd much rather have spend the morning in bed. A cold, wet, gray day. But I was glad I went and swam some lengths as well which made me feel better. I need to increase my daily aerobics and exercise activity. I even managed to get my strip of gym tickets so now I can go back to the weight room next week. I've become lazy and my poor old body is suffering as a result. And I think the exercise will be good for my depression and uplift my spirits as well as energy. Wish I could go join Weight Watchers too, but I can't afford to right now.

There's still some business to take care of next week and I haven't figured out how to do it as I need some more cash to see me through til my clases start in the mid-month. But, somehow it will all work out. It always does. Somebody up there likes me and is watching out for me. So perhaps there will be some more pennies from heaven falling soon.

THE SHADOW OF HIS SMILE

FRIDAY, Dec. 30/05

It's been a difficult few months getting through the grief of losing my dear friend Anibal. I have sometimes wondered when the tears would stop, and just when I think they have, I'll suddenly burst into weeping again often quite unexepectedly on buses or while walking down the street. I've tried to keep busy, occupied with happy pursuits, not dwelling on the loss. Most of all, trying to erase from my memory those last weeks when he was suffering so terrible, had grown so thin and the horror of watching him losing it and slip away day by day. I realize now, I was quite traumatized by that experience.

The most fantastic gift that has come out of this ordeal is getting to know his family. We have made such a beautiful connection, and I have grown to love them like the are my own children.
This week the girls came for lunch and two of the youngest grandchildren -- sweet little kids, so shy. The girls and I had such a lovely visit and while they were here we phoned their Mom in Chile. It was so good to talk to her. She told me how she had showed A. all around her house and took him (his ashes) to the beach where she's erected a little shrine so he'd have some solitude (which he would like). She said "He's happy now." And I'm sure he is.

I'm hoping in 2006 to go to Chile to visit her.

Then last night, when I was walking home I met A's son. We hugged and had a brief chat. It was like another 'gift', a glimpse of A. That same smile, the way he looked when he was younger and thinner. His son, like him, is apparantly a writer and has inherited his dad's journals. I would very much like to get to know him the way I have become aquainted with the girls, and I'm sure that in the future I will. Most of all, I know that Anibal is happy about this, and now when I 'see' him, I visualize him the way he was before he got so dreadfully ill: especially that big shining smile of his.

I'M DREAMING OF A WET CHRISTMAS

FRIDAY, Dec. 23
We had our cold, frosty weather a few weeks ago. Even a few snow flurries. Now that it's almost Christmas it has turned mild and very wet. Rain, rain and more rain! Some of the mountain ski resorts are having to close because of the melt-down spoiling the ski season which had got off to such a great start. I do hope that it isn't this mild in the Interior or it will ruin the ski/snow-board holiday my daughter and grandson were going on. I did hear from my sister and another friend who lives in the South Thompson that it is rainy and mild there too. My friend and her gang had planned a sleigh ride for Christmas Eve. Last year she said it was canceled because of the extreme cold. This year it may be canceled due to the extreme wet.

Well, all the shopping is done except for the wine which I'll pick up in the morning. Today I got all the makings for the "Life's Great Dinners" menu I always make for Christmas Eve:
cornish hens in sherry sauce with pate, rice, tiny peas and a crab bisque for starters. My guests will bring the appetizers. I am looking forward to this as we always have a jolly time. So I'll write more details about it after the weekend. Guests will include my son Steve, his wife Sue and various friends. I always like to invite those who have no families here -- the orphans -- so it makes it special for them too. I'm so used to the big family Christmases of the past and I miss that so this makes up for it.

I'm trying to be merry and gay but there is such an underlying sadness, still grieving over Anibal. I wonder how long it will take before I am over the sorrow? But this weekend I must try to stay above it and enjoy the festivities. Christmas is a happy time, a time of Peace and Love and Goodwill to All Mankind. And especially a time for family and friends.

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND I HOPE SOME OF YOU HAVE A WHITE CHRISTMAS!

REMEMBERING OLD FRIENDS

SATURDAY, Dec. 12

I went to a senior's luncheon today at my Dad's old Church. A number of the people who used to belong to the Young Couple's Club when I was first married were there. One of them is also an old school chum, from our teens. And one is the daughter of a very dear friend, my hiking buddy, who passed away 16 years ago today. Her family and mine were very connected, like an extended family. And Paula is almost like a surrogate daughter.

It happened that during the luncheon they held a memorial for several of the Church members who have passed. One of them was a very old family friend, who died this week. Emmett knew my family when Dad was the pastor of a prairie church back at the end of the depression, when I was just a little kid. His family, including his cousins, were the only African Canadians around the area. They were very poor, but I always remember Mom saying that their house was so clean you could eat off the floors. Emmett and his cousin Macky used to attend Sunday School at Dad's church. A favorite story about them was that one Sunday they arrived at the service late, coming straight in up the aise to the front, dragging along a wagon full of beer bottles that they'd collected on the way. Emmett would laugh that low chuckling laugh of his and deny he was involved in the prank. "Must have been Macky," he'd say.

Years later when Emmett moved to the Coast, after the war when Dad returned from overseas and was offered this Church here, Emmett saw his name in the paper and came to the Church to see Dad. He has attended ever since, faithfully, right up til his illness and passing.

There were lots of stories told about him today, we all had to smile, remembering. There were also remembrances for several other old family friends, and friends who had chummed with my husband and I when we were all in the Young Couples Club.

The lunch (dinner) was turkey and all the trimmings. Church dinners are always special affairs. And after carol singing and various other amusing activities, they gave out gift bags to everyone which I thought was a very sweet gesture.

It's always a very nostalgic time for me to return to the Church. It holds so many of my personal memories as well as family memories. My father and mother were well loved and I was asked to say something about them during the memorial. I know they would have been pleased. It's so nice that I've kept some of the same friends from my Church days, including my friend who will accompany me to Malaysia in March. She is the girlfriend (my namesake) who I have known the longest, since I was twelve and we first moved here from the East.

And last night I went to a small party for my other very close and dear friend Rosie who I have known since I first met my husband. (She was a chum of the daughter of my husband's partner).
And Suzaki, who is coming for dinner tonight and an evening of dancing, I've known for over 30 years! How fortunate I am to have kept these precious friends all these years!

BACK WITH THE LITTLE ONES AGAIN!

TUESDAY, Dec. 6

At last, after two months of no daycare work, I've been offered several shifts. So today I'm off to be with the little ones again. How I've missed them! I had begun to think that I was 'officially' retired and resigned to that. But I am grateful for this renewed interest in my services. In particular at this time of year when money is scarce and I have no other work to generate it.

Things have been going along well this past weekend and forward. The party at the Cottage last Friday was excellent. I never did find that red blouse. Instead selected from my wardrobe archives my Chinese embroidered silk scarlet jacket. Combined with black slacks and high-necked silky shirt it looked terrific. And my copper-tone hair was a hit too. All those compliments certainly were welcome after two weeks of feeling really ill with flu symptoms and stomach aches.

On the weekend I went for dinner and a movie with Kitty and Ingrid. K. is returning to England today and we'll sure miss her and her computer techie husband. Sunday I stayed in, watched the snow falling, and by the time I wanted to go walking in it, it had turned to rain! Yesterday I spent a pleasant afternoon with my pal Astarte, then George came by for awhile so I could share the extra frozen goods with him that Kitty had given me. (My freezer is bulging!)

And last night at my writer's critique group, when I read the revisions on the latest chapter of "Shadow", the reviews were good, very positive. So I was pleased and relieved. It's a tricky part of the novel to write and I've felt a bit stalled and overwhelmed with it.

No writing today. I'm working a full shift and again on Friday. And starting with the daycare Christmas party Friday evening the weekend will once again be party time. It's that time of year again, and the social calendar is starting to look full!

THE ONGOING QUEST FOR THE RED BLOUSE

THURSDAY, December 1
This is the second day of the on-going quest for the red blouse. Maybe I should have titled this THE RED BLOUSE DIARIES.

I wrote yesterday in my writer's blog about my search for just the right red blouse which I want for my festive costume. The one I'd seen on the Drive proved to be rather cheesy and not exactly what I'd had in mind. So yesterday I search one of the big malls for hours looking for one. No luck. And today, I searched some shops downtown. No luck. One last try tomorrow on the Drive and after that I'll give up and settle for something out of my closet. I did want red
though, to go with my new copper-streaked hair.

I tried my new 'do' out on my Memoir lady friends today when we went for lunch, and everyone liked it. And again tonight, with another group of ladies (writers) who got together for our annual pre-Christmas dinner. I wore my coral-coloured sweater tonight and it really enhanced the apricot shade of the hair. So perhaps if I can't find the right red I'll try coral.

It's the big party tomorrow night at the Cottage Bistro. The Kozak's Sixth Annual Christmas Blues Bash. My son Steve's band is playing and as well there'll be other drop-in musicians.
It's the first big party of the Festive Season and I'm really looking forward to it!

These days I'm trying to get out of the depressed mood I've been in since A. died, so I figured that a change of appearance would be a good start. Too bad there's not some magical way of suddenly losing 20 kilos, but that will be my next project as I intend to join Weight Watchers s.a.p. And get back to the gym again next week. I realized, while looking at clothing, that if I didn't feel (look) so lumpy I'd be able to have a wider range of choices for what to wear. Ugh! I hate the state I'm in right now. It's just not comfortable.

Anyway, I feel I'm on the right track, and my mood is lifting. Soon I'll be feeling my old self again. After all the holiday season is coming and there's so many wonderful social events already marked on the calendar. And it's not as if I don't have anything to wear. My closet is crammed with stuff. It's just that I had my heart set on something RED.

'TIS THE SEASON

'Tis the Season to get jolly....Fa la la la la lala la la....

It's that time of year again...almost December and the Christmas parties and get-togethers are starting up. This week is the beginning of a month of festive activities.

Lunch tomorrow with the grad class ladies; lunch on Thurs. with the Memoir ladies; dinner Thursday night with a little group of writers who meet only this time of year; and on Friday night...The Annual Kozak Christmas Blues Bash at the Cottage Bistro.

My son Steve, his wife Sue and me have been hosting this grand affair for the last five years, entertained by my son's band the Westcoast Blues. As we all live in apartments it seemed a good idea to have a party where we could have live music and dancing, so we chose the Cottage as a venue as that's where Steve hosts the Saturday afternoon jam sessions.

It's always an event to look forward to. We invite as many people as we liked and there's a lot of musicians drop in to jam with the band. So it's a highlight of the Christmas season.

I must go shopping this week for my Christmas costume. Have my eye on a nice red Indian cotton top to wear with my black velvet pants and some red spangly slippers so that's my first choice. MJ gave me a sequined jacket but that's a bit to dressy for the Cottage and I'll save it to wear at our Scribbler's party next week.

I've started my Christmas shopping. I've only a short list this year and have some ideas what to get on my limited budget. And in a week or two I'll lug the box of decorations down from the closet and start decorating the apartment. I already have the lights up on the windows cause I leave those up all year round.

It's a season of happiness and good will and I'm trying, each day, to get out from under the cloud of despair that I was in after A's death. It's getting easier, though I am still thinking of him constantly. I'm sure the Christmas spirit will help me get over the broken heart. I love this time of year!

GREY CUP WEEKEND

SATURDAY, Nov.26
It's the Grey Cup weekend for football fans here in sunny Vancouver (yes, sun - not rain or fog!)
This dredges up a lot of old memories, going back to the days when we used to live up in Edmonton and were ardent Edmonton Eskimo fans. These days I rarely take an interest in football, prefer other kinds of sports and I'm not so much of a spectator anyway.

The two teams: Edmonton Eskimos and Montreal Alouettes, are kicking off tomorrow. Of course there was major disappointment for the local fans when our B.C.Lions failed to make it to the final but that's the way it's gone for them this season.

The Grey Cup playoff is always the biggest excuse ever for major drunken debauchery and disorderliness and starting last night in our town the parties were off to a good start. I wouldn't want to be downtown this weekend, not even to see the parade. I don't really care whether Pamela Anderson is parade marshal or who is. Football is just not my thing. And anyway, I saw the Santa Claus parade last Sunday. Guess I'm just a kid at heart!

This weekend brought back a lot of past memories -- all the Grey Cup weekends we celebrated in Edmonton, parties that lasted for days, cases of booze, trays of snacks, wild days and nights. It seems to me that the Eskis were usually the ones who were playing the finals and usually the ones who won. (So of course I'll be cheering them from afar this weekend!) We'd usually gather at our place -- I had the reputation of given the best parties -- and would start very early on the morning of the Game. Generally everyone was pretty well soused before the game even started (and judging from the antics downtown last night -- two days before -- the same thing happens everywhere.) Of course, if your team won you'd really be off celebrating high-style.
And the party generally lasted the entire weekend. I think that somehow the party was the main event and the game was just the excuse to get wild and crazy (wilder and crazier than usual!)

Knowing the way the young toughs in this town misbehave I'd be surprised if this weekend there isn't a call for extra cops (lots of them) and even the riot squad. The roving bands of drunken louts have had a reptutation in the past of tearing up the town and vandalising everything in sight. All the name of sports? Fun? What??

I found it more fun when I've been in Greece during major soccer playoffs and the merriment was usually cars full of fans driving around waving banners, shouting and honking horns. Of course a lot of wine is imbibed there too, but it always seemed a lot more 'civilized' to me...unless of course you happen to be in a place where a British team is playing and the rowdy beer-swilling Brits
(Manchester fans, etc) have to live up to their reputation of creating havoc and mayhem.

Not for me. I'll enjoy the sunshine and peace of my neighbourhood today and all weekend, except tomorrow when we are invited to a friend's downtown and will no doubt get caught up in the pre and post game rioting!

A GOOD START TO THE NEW WEEK

TUESDAY, Nov. 22
I'm feeling much better this week, though still not 100%. Today I went to watefit for the first time in months. It felt so good to exercise and swim again. Afterwards I spent some time in the whirl-pool tub and also the steam room. When I got home my friends MJ and B. came over to visit and B. helped me with some techie stuff on my computer. So now I'm all set to do some more writing. So far yesterday I started adding literary content to my Searching for Alexander story and also editing stories for my classes. Today I've edited some stories and then I'll try to get something done on the novel, or at least finish the revisions on the Alexander story. At least I feel on the right track once again.

It's been easier too, dealing with the grief. Now when I pass by A's empty apartment I don't feel so sad as I no longer feel his spirit is there. It's empty. Everyone is gone. Of course I will always have memories of those last three weeks, and will I ever pass by the bedroom window without remembering that he died in that room? But yesterday I didn't burst into tears once, though there was the occasional lump in my throat. And I haven't today, either. That's a good sign.

I have lots of activities and invitations for the rest of the week including lunch with his family tomorrow as well as day browsing around the Drive with my dear friend Cheryl. Thursday I have a lunch date with M. and maybe Rosie is coming to town this weekend. Social events galore. I think I'm even going to get my hair done. Planning a new cut and maybe even some copper highlights in the blonde. Have to consult with my stylist about that.

It's time for the Festive Season and a new beginning. I want to feel happy again!

IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN!

SUNDAY, November 20
It's that time of year again...the funny fat guy in the red flannel suit is here already!
I was invited to join my friend Anne's family today for the annual Santa Claus breakfast at the grand old Fairmont Vancouver Hotel. This meant getting up super early -- even before my bird had roused himself. Off we went with the two little fellows, Charming,MisterYusuf (5)and Omar the Magnificent (7), two of my favorite boyfriends.

It was a lavish buffet breakfast served in the hotel's posh upstairs banquet room with crystal chandeliers, Persian rugs, and beautiful Christmas decorations all around. The food was excellent, though with my upset tummy I was really not able to enjoy it as I should have. The young lads thoroughly enjoyed themselves, occupied happily with the various toys and colouring books and pipe cleaner projects provided to keep children happy until Santa should arrive. They even wrote their Santa letters. Omar said he wanted a dog and a wand (he's a Harry Potter fan) and as an after thought to go with the wand: a cat. Yusuf wanted a remote racing car and another 'big huge truck'. They both had their photos taken with Santa and then we all trooped out to the street where their dad had set up chairs for us curbside to watch the parade.

A foggy, chill November day today, but no rain! We had to wait quite awhile for the parade to start and it was rather cold but the kids were amazingly patient. The streets were jam--packed with people, lots of children of course, but the adults seem to enjoy these events just as much. I know the parade and Santa Claus always brings back a lot of happy childhood memories to me. I was remember as I sat there, how when I was about 9 or 10 we all went by train from Stratford to Toronto to see the Santa Claus parade. I've never forgotten it because I was sick with the flu that day and didn't really enjoy any of it, including sitting on Santa's knee. I still have the photo of me, looking terribly miserable.

My favorite part of the parade is always the pipe bands, those kilted bag-pipers and the tall band Major twirling his long baton. Of course the final float is always jolly old Santa and that reminds me of the famous Santa Claus suit story. When we first came to the Coast after the war, my father, the Pastor of a Baptist Church, organized a wonderful Christmas program for the Sunday School. Santa was due to make a visit, but it seemed there was no Santa suit. So my creative Mom, the expert seamstress, made one out of the big Nazi flag Dad had brought home from overseas. I've written about this in a memoir: "How the Nazi's Helped Santa Claus". That Santa suit lasted years and clothed the annual Santa to entertain the Sunday School kids until I think eventually the moths had a feed on it.

So, this was the first of the festive entertainment and party season. It seems a little early still, but time creeps up quickly. My son, his wife and I always organize a family Christmas party at the bistro where he hosts the Blues jams on Saturdays. We have the invitation to our annual do ready to send out, happening on Dec.2, just a few weeks away. It's always a blast although this year he's had to ask a cover charge in order to pay the band, and we've decided not to provide appetizers for the tables like we usually do. Neither of us are financially able to do anything more than to provide a great place to party and dance and hear some excellent Blues.

I guess in a week or two it'll be time to bring down the boxes of decorations too!
'Tis the Season to be jolly!

SOMETIMES GOOD THINGS HAPPEN WHEN YOU'RE DOWN

THURSDAY, Nov. 17

I have felt so sick the last couple of days and horribly depressed. The antibiotics really didn't do anything for me except give me a terrible stomach ache and the runs. Perhaps today my ears are tiny bit unblocked, but certainly not completely. And on top of it, that flu shot I had Monday has made me terribly ill. I don't know how I got through the day yesterday. Had a class at night and coming home waited for ages on the street for buses in the freezing cold.

Today I dragged myself to my last Memoir group as it was our pot-luck-lunch. Afterwards, I didn't enjoy my usual nice walk up Robson browsing in the shops. I was almost doubled over with stomach pain. Came home and went to bed with my birdie nesting in my hair and cooing sweet things to me between kisses. "Pretty bird, pretty bird!"

There was also a welcome phone call from A's daughter inviting me to join her , her sister and mom for lunch next week. They had moved everything from his apartment Monday, a kind of closure for everyone, but still very sad.

I stayed in bed all afternoon and then my friend's daughter phoned and said she had something for me.
She arrived at the door with two laundry baskets full of canned and packaged goods collected for a food drive by the Ishmali scouts which she is involved with. She said she thought I could use them. And I sure could! There was far too much there for little old me though, so I sorted some out and put a few things in the lobby for other tenants, and when my friend George called I invited him over tomorrow to help himself. He's worse off than me, as he hasn't even a job!

Then a nice email from another friend who wants to come and have tea with me tomorrow cause she knows I need a friendly hug.

I'm fortunate to have this network of caring people around me, phone calls and emails from all sorts of friends saying comforting things. Tonight, I dreaded going out to my travel writing class though. I felt so sick. There were only two people there but we had a a good class anyway and afterwards I was offered a ride home. I was so grateful for that!

People really do care and come through for you when you're down and I appreciate this so much. Hopefully I'll start feeling better soon, and get back to my usual perky self.